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Article about looking for love in all the wrong places:

Here&#039,s what to do instead. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Sure, others wound us.

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But many of our wounds are self-inflicted. God created us for intimacy, but we too often end up looking for love in all the wrong places. And what can we possibly hope to do about it now? It’s not your fault, really. At least it didn’t start as your fault. You never fully got the kind of love you needed growing up as an impressionable child. You didn’t see “learning to love well” modeled in a healthy way. Your early attempts at feeling important, making it, connecting with someone else, getting your needs met, giving something of yourself – most or all of them ended up leading to some kind of rejection, some lack, some wounds that wouldn’t go away. You learned early on that if you were ever to get what you needed, you’d have to claw and scrape and grasp and hold on for dear life. Some of us seem more wounded than others. If you grew up with parents who loved each other well, stayed together, and loved you well, you got a foundation that was more solid than many others received. But even you have felt the sting of bullying, tragedy, disappointment, failure, or just plain old sin. And so you go looking. Where We Look for Love. It’s no wonder many look for love in places such as accumulating wealth, prestigious career, controlling other people, or illicit or dangerous pleasures. Any little thing that brings relief to your love-starved soul is quickly turned into an addiction, alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, violence, shopping, getting attention, money, relationships, and on and on. Most people eventually learn that love does not come through things, it only comes through relationships. So you go grasping at relationships. But it’s really no different. “Love, sex, and rock-and-roll” doesn’t fill your emptiness any more than money or drugs. When one person can’t fill you up you go careening to the next relationship, always desperate. If I can just find the right person, I’ll be OK. And so you get hooked on people in various ways. Pornography and sex addiction (substitutes for real relationships with people) titillate and promise relief and exhilaration while eating away ever larger portions of your soul. Serial monogamy, affairs, domestic violence, hooking up, singles having multiple “intimate” relationships – it’s all an attempt to get the love needs met. And the promise of intimacy is never met, always just out of reach. Sometimes you give up. Sometimes through guilt, societal controls, “God-talk”, or exhaustion you settle into a miserable marriage détente or single loneliness, resigned to be forever lacking, forever hungry, forever un-loved. If this is as good as it gets, why waste energy searching for what is never there? If only you can keep the screaming in your soul silenced long enough, perhaps this life will be over. And then some Christian comes along and tells you, “God loves you.” You get told the God is the source of all the love you need. Really?

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